A vulnerable conversation with Spirit

I haven't had a written conversation with Spirit in a really long time. This morning I sat and opened the conversation out of frustration and confusion. What I share below was pulled directly from the pages of my journal. I was hesitant to share all of this, so please be gentle. This is a vulnerable and honest conversation that I was guided to share.

My words are written in plain text and Spirit's responses are written in italics.

Dear Spirit,

I would like to start a dialogue with you. One where I can receive answers and clarity. I feel so lost and confused sometimes, and I know this is not how I want to show up in this lifetime. I know happiness, joy, and love are always available to me, and I want to learn how to experience those feelings as my go-to feelings. I'm tired of thinking and stressing about money. I just want to live a life I truly enjoy.

Do you not enjoy the life you live now?

I do enjoy this life, but I feel like it could be better. I have lived with limitations (self-imposed, I know, but limitations nonetheless) for much of my life. I want to feel, know, and experience true freedom and abundance. What would it take for me to experience true freedom and abundance?

Interesting choice of words. It would not take anything. In fact, that would be the opposite of freedom and abundance.

Right now, you are seeing your beliefs and experiences in a new light. You are starting to wake up to the fears that have been running the show, which is giving you an opportunity to choose differently.

Do we always need awareness to shift our experience or heal our wounds? Is there ever a possibility for spontaneous adjustment or alignment?

Of course. All things are possible, even the things you have not yet imagined. What is needed is a willingness to be open to such things. You must open your heart to the potential rather than holding it closed and "safe" out of fear.

So how does one open her heart, and once it's open, how do you keep it open?

Practice. Practice turning towards love with every chance you get. Practice opening your awareness to its fullest potential by slowing down and being more present in your life.

So there's no magical light switch to flip and just have it be?

You can absolutely choose that path, and many have. You, however, my dear one, chose the role of teacher in this lifetime, and in order to teach you must also experience a wide breadth of the human condition. Even as I say that, I feel that you understand you are experiencing but a small portion of the grand scale, and yet it is through your connection to the collective and your empathic nature that you can access more earthly experiences if and when you so choose.

I'm realizing there are questions I don't ask because my human mind doesn't know the answer. I fear that I will not be able to accurately receive your wisdom. Sometimes I even wonder if this is real or all just made up by the mind.

Does it feel made up by the mind?

No. It feels different. The texture is different, and the response feels outside of me. And yet at times, it feels like me - as if I'm creating it.

This is an accurate representation of the individual and collective experience that occurs in synchronicity within the present moment. You know what comes from the mind and what comes from the heart or the collective truth. You've always known and will continue to know as our communications continue.

There is more of this to come?

Yes, and do not get your mind wrapped into that now. It is for another time, and you will know where and when.

What am I meant to be doing with my life right now?

Enjoy and live it.

I know that. More specifically, what am I meant to be doing for work?

Dear child. This constant need to find purpose and meaning is what is keeping you from experiencing purpose and meaning. These things are not outside of you. They are who you are, and the moment that you accept that just by being here in this body you are fulfilling your purpose, your entire reality will shift.

You came to be a creator. Create. Dream. Do. Have. Be. Don't overthink it. In fact, don't think about it at all. Just go be in the world and move in the direction you feel drawn. The sooner you let go of a need to prove yourself, the faster you will realize that you are all that you've been searching for.

Why did I stop writing like this?

Because you got scared. You thought this was too good to be true. You thought you were giving away your power and threatening your individual reputation by claiming the words you shared were from something outside of you. It does not matter whether you quote me or not. The Truth will be felt in ways that can not be created in any other way. If the ego needs this validation, claim it came from you or from me. It does not matter. All that matters is that the words are shared.

How do I know if I'm doing it right? How do I know I'm receiving your truth and not some mind muddied version of your wisdom?

What you experience in your writing is perfect for you. Not all of this will make it into the book. Some of this is meant for your personal growth and understanding.

Book?

Yes, but not yet. There is more to come before the book comes to you. This is a great start.

What do I do about money? It stresses me out so much, and I can't continue living like this.

Then don't. Decide today. Decide right now in this moment that you have all the money that you could ever need. Stop pinching off your abundance by choosing thoughts that come from fear.

Can you help me? Or will you help me? I've been working on this for so long, and I feel the shift internally, but the external reality has not changed that much.

Nor have you truly committed to living an abundant life. You still want and desire. You delay the things that could come easy to you because you fear that I will not show up for you.

When you say it that way, I feel terrible.

I don't say that to make you feel bad. I say it to illuminate the truth of what is happening for you. You have fallen into this old habit of leverage and clinging out of fear. You felt the great expansion, and you panicked. This is ok. We do not fault you for your conditioned mind. We are merely bringing to your attention where you are choosing lack over abundance.

Does that mean I should spend and have what I want? What if I max out my credit cards again or spend all of my retirement?

Can you feel the lack in your language and body right now?

Yes.

Shift it. This is the practice. This is the moment of releasing what was in order to embody your Truth.

I need to make money.

Why?

So I can pay my bills and live a better life.

So you are not satisfied with this life?

No. I mean. It's ok, but I feel like there are things that I'm missing out on. Things that I would like to experience or create. I just want to experience more of this world. I feel like I've shrunk down so small, and I'm cramped and uncomfortable from being so contained.

What's keeping you from living bigger - as you call it?

Money. I feel like I can't afford the experiences that I want to have. I can't go on the vacations I want or buy the clothes I want or hire the support I want. (Noticing lots of wanting. It feels like I slid back down the slope I just climbed up with the last program I completed)

When are you going to see that you are already complete and you have access to all you could ever want or need?

When you open my eyes.

Open your own eyes! You know the Truth - you just haven't had the guts to trust it.

Is this the Truth & Trust grain of rice (a vision I received related to my purpose a few years ago)?

It is some but not all of it. And it is no longer a single grain of rice. It is a field of rice that you have neglected to believe exists.

What am I to do with this field of Truth & Trust?

Use it to nourish yourself. You've been depriving yourself. Separating yourself from what is always available to you - Me.

But I have asked for your help so many times and feel like it hasn't worked out. My situation hasn't changed.

Sweet girl. Every time you turn in my direction, you immediately sprint the other way as soon as I begin to open my mouth to speak. You are so captivated by the voices in your head that you don't wait to receive my guidance. You act out of instinct and repeat old patterns.

This is the first time you've truly sat with me in a really long time. And I can sense you still feel like it's not enough. What is it going to take for you to accept me? What do you need to trust me again?

Ugh. This makes me feel so terrible. I know I should trust and accept you, but I don't know how.

This is not a thinking exercise, my dear. This is a feeling thing. What is it going to take to feel your connection to me? How much more do you need to separate (and suffer) in order to return to the place you belong?

I don't know. I don't know how to do what you're asking. I feel like if I surrender to you, I'm giving you all my power and I just become another stupid pawn in this game of life.

This is certainly not a game, and you are definitely not a pawn. You are a queen if you want to be one. A sacred creator with dreams and desires.

Yeah. I know. One's that go unanswered and unexperienced.

We can sense your anger, and that is fine, for it is a great indicator. What do you feel now?

Ambivalence. I feel like nothing I do matters. It doesn't seem to work out the way I had hoped, so what's the point?

So you're just gonna give up?

Yes. Maybe.

Good! Now we can really get started.

What?! Get started with what?

Your becoming. The real reason that you came here. You've been clinging to the edge of this cliff for 4 years. It's time to let go. It's time to surrender all that you know to be true, so you can experience the real Truth.

I don't even know what to say right now.

Great! Don't say anything. Just be for now. Just be every day until you feel the shift in your inner being. What you've been doing is moving you in the right direction.

The sitting and spaciousness?

Yes. More of that and more of this. You have a gift, my dear. A gift that all have but few allow. The gift of words and divine receiving. This is what we ask of you. Commune with us and you will be guided.

Ok.