Breathwork freaked me the F out
Breathwork scared the shit out of me. Again.
I was practicing a style of breathing that is slightly different than my usual and had "dropped in," as the teacher called it. It's kinda hard to describe the "dropped in" place until you experience it. The closest thing I can compare it to is the moment right between awake and asleep. You don't really remember it, but you know that you were there and that it happened.
I vaguely remember a few details from my journey, but I'll never forget the moment right before the teacher started to bring us back. I felt like I was in the darkest place I have ever been. Everything around me was so inky black that I couldn't even see my own body (my eyes were actually closed, and I was seeing in my mind).
It seemed ok for a moment, and then I felt a rush of panic that made me want to scream and run. I felt my body flinch as I gasped, and my eyes shot open. As quickly as the fear peaked, it dissipated. I heard an inner voice remind me that I am breathing and I am safe. And then I heard the teacher's voice gently guiding us back from our experience.
After a few minutes of grounding, my thinking mind came back online, and I began trying to figure out what had just happened. I replayed what I could remember and tried to identify the fear I had encountered. First, I thought it was a fear of death. Perhaps I had stopped breathing, and the gasp was my body screaming for air. That felt possible, but not quite it. Then, I thought it was a fear of the unknown. Closer, but also not quite right. I then remembered that I have the same fear about psychedelics. It's a fear of losing control and not being able to turn it off.
The more I sat with the experience, the more I noticed an interesting sense of curiosity. A part of me genuinely wanted to know what was beyond the fear. The more I let my mind wander into the depths of what I had experienced, the more I wanted to see what was on the other side. It's hard even to describe the inner calmness that I experienced as I realized that I was no longer afraid of being scared. It felt as though I was embodying the truth that I live in a benevolent Universe that always has my back. A truth that I've spoken but hadn't believed at this level up before.
Later that day, I watched a video on my laptop. As I stared at the screen, I noticed a white, slightly pixelated haze start to creep into my peripheral vision. I've had this experience a couple of times before, so I watched it unfold with curiosity. As the haze closed in on the part of the screen holding my focus, I began to notice a change in the woman on the screen. When she moved her hands or head, there seemed to be a white light that trailed behind her.
I could feel myself getting excited, and I had to remind myself to stay calm. I took a deep breath and relaxed my eyes even more. As my focus softened, I began to see color appearing in the light trails. First, it was light emerald green, and then I began to see a soft blue around the edges. I maintained my soft-focus until I could feel my eyes beginning to feel tired. With a couple of blinks, the light trails and haze disappeared, and I was back to seeing like I usually do.
I remember thinking to myself, "OMG!! I think I just saw her aura!!" The energy in my body was jumping up and down with excitement. In that moment of celebration, I realized that the breathwork experience from earlier that day was showing me that my spiritual gifts are on the other side of my fear.
I let that idea roll around in my mind for a little bit. It felt like a logical explanation (even though I doubt you could say that logic had anything to do with what I was experiencing). Then I was reminded of a previous breathwork journey where I heard myself repeating the phrase "I am not afraid" (click here to read that Diary entry).
I also remembered that I have been writing the following affirmation in my journal over the last several weeks: "I am releasing all fear, worries, and doubts." I was writing that affirmation to help me take bold action in growing my business. I never thought it would lead me to unlock the fear that was suppressing my gifts, but I am so glad that it did!
I have been scared to death of the unseen for most of my life. I blamed the movie "The Sixth Sense" for planting the fear of seeing things that I didn't want to see. Who would want to see injured and scary dead people when you least expect them? Not me! I was also intimidated and overwhelmed by my ability to feel the energies around me because I didn't know how to manage that gift as I was growing up. That sensitivity was part of what led me to drink like a fish and work like there was no tomorrow. I was really good at numbing because I was too scared and overwhelmed to feel.
I have done a tremendous amount of work over the last several years to heal my mind and body. I have cultivated and amplified my own personal energy body, and grounding is now a non-negotiable daily practice. As you've read over the last couple of weeks, I am also in the process of reclaiming my power, and that is giving me the courage to take action on the things that I used to think were too scary. I think it has been my ongoing commitment to doing all of this inner work that has now brought me to a place where I am no longer afraid of being afraid.
I actually feel mentally and physically prepared to turn my spiritual gifts all the way on, and that is filling me with joy and curiosity. I already consider myself magical and intuitive, so I can't even begin to imagine what will come next. I also see this as another opportunity to flex my trust muscles (a theme for 2021). I trust the Universe will give me what I need when I am ready, and I trust that she won't intentionally scare the shit out of me (unless it's for a good reason).