Permission Slip & My Word for 2021
I've been a little unsure what to write lately. My mind has thought about what people want to read and that has stirred up a bit of creative chaos. Perhaps creative chaos is really just a fun way of saying I got stuck in an unsupportive mind spiral. I was so worried about what people wanted to read that I lost sight of the reason I created this website in the first place. This feels so uncomfortable to say but the Lightworker Diaries are actually for me. This is a space for me to explore my writing and allow my own true creative expression.
In order to truly explore and strengthen my creative self expression, I am giving myself permission to write what ever is coming up for me. That might be personal stories. That might also mean my daily musings or perhaps the things that I need to hear most. To be honest, I just need to give myself a permission slip that says it's ok to write whatever I want to for now (and maybe forever).
I wonder what else would change if I gave myself a blanket permission slip that said the only person I have to satisfy is me. I've done a considerable amount of work in this area and yet I know there is still room to grow here. I also find myself questioning whether this life is really just about satisfaction? I do want that for myself and I also want to experience ALL that life has to offer. I want to LIVE my life and not just be satisfied with its experience.
I think that is a large part of why I am even writing. It's why I write every single day actually. I look at my life on the page and see where I can expand, grow and explore. I also find the places where I am stuck or am telling myself a story that is in some way trying to keep myself safe. My writing is the best place to really get a glimpse into my inner workings. It's the place I go to listen to the yearnings of my heart in order to decide where to next. That of course makes me ask myself.
Where to next?
We just entered a new year. I felt the rush of inspiration and motivation that the change in one single digit on a calendar creates. The rush that quickly turned into a pressure. The pressure that quickly became a weight that I realized I didn't want to carry. Why do we place so much emphasis on a single day of the year to be our catalyst for significant change?
The pressure of the new year actually stressed me out. I ruminated on the goals that I wanted and the ones I thought I should have on my list. I dove into my external reality to determine what would make the biggest change in my life. When I found the thing that would make the biggest difference, I quickly realized that it's the one thing that I can't focus on and experience what I desire.
Every time I allow my mind to focus on money, I find myself obsessed to the point of self-sabotage. I've done a considerable amount of money mindset work and I studied wealth consciousness pretty intensely in 2020. Although I feel completely different about money on the inside, my external reality is still catching up to the changes I have made. In other words, I haven't seen the external validation so my mind is still slipping on the slope of its own growth. Knowing that I needed to find a more supportive focus, I decided to lean into a word that Spirit has sent me about a million times.
In the early days of my 2020 sabbatical, my Shaman asked me if I trusted Spirit. I remember looking at her and then looking away as the answer came to me. I responded with pure honesty and a sprinkle of shame. I told her, "I want to say that I trust Spirit but my actions will clearly tell you that I do not."
That moment changed my life. I began to take a really hard look at how trust (or the lack thereof) was showing up in my life. I noticed how much I worried and stressed over things like my business and money and how that was a direct symptom of my lack of trust. I also noticed how much I was controlling things in my life to over compensate for the lack of trust I was experiencing. As I really took in my lived experience, I began to realize just how exhausting it was to live without trust.
I wish I could say that trust became my way of being in that instant. I wish in the moment I realized I wasn't trusting Spirit or myself, I could just flip that switch on and go on my way. But that's not how it worked for me. I had to build trust and will continue building trust in the days, weeks and possibly years ahead.
So far, practicing trust has looked like taking an extended break from my business, starting the Lightworker Diaries, saying "yes" to partnering with my bestie for a project and going deeper into shadow work than I have ever gone before. Trust has led me to stop obsessing over money and start believing in the value that I do bring to this world just by being me. It has also been diving deeper into my healing practice and allowing some of those closest to me to see my healing gifts. Trust has also given me the safety and space turn up my spiritual gifts and sensitivities.
I have no idea where trust is going to take me this year. What I do know is that it has changed my life for the better in the last three months, so I'm going to keep leaning into it.
Thank you for being here and witnessing my journey. Thank you for being patient as I grow into the permission and trust to write from my heart. And thank you for your love and support. I appreciate you and hope you found something of benefit for yourself or your own journey.