The story I threw out, haters and breaking the rules

I've spent the last two days carefully curating the perfect story to share on the Diaries. I was in love with the first half of the story. It was SO good! But no matter how many times I rewrote the end, I couldn't seem to nail the punchline. I realized it's because the punchline hasn't arrived yet. I'm still processing it.

I've also come to realize that I have fallen into the trap of expectation. I decided I wanted to grow my audience, so I started listening to the "experts" who were telling me I need to be an amazing storyteller. I started to believe that is what my audience would want because that's is the recipe for success as a writer.

I spent most of yesterday bouncing in and out of a little rage bubble. I knew it had something to do with my writing and a few other things going on in my life. After I lost my shit for the third time, it was suggested that I go for walk. Thanks love, you really do get me.

While freezing my ass off (note to self - next time check the temp before I head out), I realized that my writing had become just like everyone else's. I was no longer writing from the heart like the Divine had originally invited me to do. I was writing stories with the intention of pleasing an audience. This was never supposed to be about an audience. It was supposed to be for me and as that thought crossed my mind, I saw a white feather laying on the sidewalk. A confirmation from Source.

I remembered that I was originally asked to write here like it is my diary. The original idea scared me because I was being invited to share all of my processing here instead of in my journal. That idea still scares me. Actually, it terrifies me. Mostly because it's incredibly vulnerable and also because what if I make myself look like a total idiot.

What if I pour my heart onto the page and I just get laughed at. I can hear the critics and haters already. "Look at this chick trying to break all the rules and blaze a new trail. Her writing used to be good but this shit is terrible and pointless. If she would've just stuck to the rules and shared her stories like the rest of us, she would've been wildly successful. What an idiot!"

Thanks mind. You're such an asshole! One of these days I'm going to figure out how to unsubscribe and block you too.

Ok. Deep breath. If this is the path, fine. Let's do it. Spirit clearly has a plan here and the fact that it's a little terrifying means it's probably going to lead to something. Hmmm. That sentence was going to end with the word awesome, but I'm not sure that terrifying always leads to awesome.

I guess it doesn't really matter right now. I said I would trust Spirit and myself this year and this is one step in that direction. No more following the rules. No more perfect storytelling. My writing is going to be real, raw and only lightly edited (mostly so the grammar police doesn't shut me down). If people like it great and if not that's fine too. Perhaps this is all really just meant for me anyways.