The struggle that led to a massive shift
There has been an incredible shift for me in the last couple days. It's hard to even describe what happened because I don't recall a specific event or moment that triggered the breakthrough. Rather it was like a light that slowly turned on without me even noticing. The only way I realized I was now in the light was because I suddenly noticed I wasn't trying strain my eyes to see in the dark anymore.
I have been suffering my way through a deep inner struggle for the last couple years. Maybe it was the Saturn transit that was blowing up my natal Moon. The great teacher in the sky that was forcing me to look at all of my deep seated beliefs and fears about myself and my view of this world. Or maybe it was just the thing that I was meant to learn and grow my way through during this period in my life.
Regardless of the cause, I can honestly say that I am grateful for the deep introspection that was required of me over these last few years. I have been learning how to trust myself and Source (a theme that is continuing into 2021). I have experienced tremendous mental and emotional healing which has also changed my physical body. I have also spent a considerable amount of time, money and energy taking an honest look at my own self worth.
The self worth (or lack of it) was a much bigger deal than I expected. The Universe gave me a reality check when I left the perceived safety of Corporate America. I went from a comfortable 6-figure salary to earning an income that was below the poverty line for nearly 3 years.
Talk about a direct hit to the ego! I suffered. I blamed. I got bitter and then I got really pissed. My inner victim decided it was best for her to ride shot gun and I let her for a little while. When I realized she was guiding us directly into disaster after disaster, I knew I had to make a change.
No amount of pretending or telling myself that I was better than this was going to heal my emotional wounds. I told my inner victim that she was no longer in charge and I started doing the real inner work.
I didn't want to believe that I thought so little of myself. I had earned plenty of money in my life. In my mind that had to be a sign that I considered myself worthy. It wasn't until I began to really look at how I earned that 6-figure salary that I realized the hard truth about my sense of self worth.
I worked so hard for that money! I consistently worked 60 - 80 hours a week for over a decade. I sacrificed multiple late nights and even the occasional overnighter, working on a steady supply coffee and adderall to keep me from falling asleep at my desk. I worked through vacations and holidays. My laptop was practically attached to my fingertips and went with me everywhere, "just in case."
That wasn't a worthy life. That was a desperate, over achieving, "I'm going to prove myself or die trying" life. I thought I was successful. I certainly had the title, salary and seat at the table to prove it. But I didn't feel successful. There was always something more that I had to do. A goal to chase. A project to deliver. An achievement to be reached.
I was so unhappy and uncomfortable with my life that the only way I could make it through was to disconnect from my body. I lived 100% in my head and numbed my body from the punishment that I was inflicting in almost every way imaginable.
All of this changed when I started to wake up. I began hearing a voice within me that says there was more to life than the life I was living. It took me a long time before I finally started listening to that voice. Once I did, the chaos I called my life turned itself all the way on.
I left my career to find this so called "path of something more." At the time, I thought I was stepping onto the well worn and easy to follow path of entrepreneurship. To be honest, it was more like going skydiving. I had already jumped out of the plane and suddenly realized I wasn't sure if I had a parachute on. I was flying through the air with only one option. I had to face my fears and the stories that I had been telling myself head on. There was no hiding, numbing or avoiding this time.
My mind obsessed over the one piece of safety that had seemed to disappear overnight, money. It kept telling me that all we had to do was figure out how to make money and then we would be ok. I told myself a million times over that this was my path and the money was bound to show up at any moment (thank you old school law of attraction teachers). In addition to these seemingly positive thoughts, my mind fed me a steady stream of worry and doubt.
Since I was in uncharted territory, I did what I knew best. I gave my inner nice girl the wheel and took whatever anyone was willing to toss my way. I gave everything that I could in an effort to prove my value. Essentially I was repeating the same old habits, with slightly different results. As you could imagine, my sales were needy and desperate. Every single "no" was a direct hit to my heart. I had high hopes and felt completely confused by my lack of results.
From the outside, everything in my business and life looked just as perfect as it had always been. I suffered quietly because I didn't want anyone to know how badly I was failing. Who would purchase life coaching from a person who was totally failing at life?! I was convinced I had to fake it to make it. And I wasn't going to let anyone see how ashamed or resentful I felt. Of course, energy speaks way louder than words. So faking it did not get me out of the mess I was in.
I debated quitting and going to get a job more times than I can count. Every time those thoughts crossed my mind, the Universe gave me a little nugget of hope that enticed me to stay on the wild unmarked path I was on. When I finally conceded to the inner work that was really being asked of me, my entire world began to change. I fell even deeper into the black hole before I realized that I was actually being supported in moving through the depths of my unconscious.
I caught multiple glimmers of light along the way. Times when I thought I had finally made it through and the worst of it was over. My spirit would be lifted just long enough for the Universe to drag me back under the surface for another healing. Before I understood my own cycle of healing, I resisted those moments. I struggled to stay above water, gasping for air and reaching to grab a hold of anything that could keep me afloat.
After going through multiple cycles, I began to see the process with greater clarity. I stopped being afraid of where the Universe was taking me because I knew it had a gift to reveal. I also began to trust that I would always have what I needed to navigate the depths of my unconscious without becoming lost in the darkness.
This is where the shift I mentioned at the beginning comes in. All of the deep shadow work and the transformational healing that I have experienced are starting to show me something I have never seen or understood before. I am starting to see past the previously murky waters of my mind to see how truly beautiful I am on the inside. There's a growing understanding within me that my value is not dependent on anyone or anything else in this world.
For the first time in my life, I think I am actually falling in love with myself.