The text that changed everything
A few months ago, I was at one of the highest points of my life. I was learning, creating, healing, speaking my truth and standing in my power. Almost daily, I found myself writing in my journal that I felt like a million bucks. With seemingly endless confidence, I told Spirit I was ready for the next level. I was totally caught off guard by what unfolded after my request.
Spirit decided I was ready to heal something that I've been holding on to for more than half my life. On Father's Day, I decided to tell my Dad why I've been distant for all these years. The separation started when I went away to college and has grown to the point that I haven't seen him in over 8 years. We occasionally text, but mostly it's when his health has taken a turn for the worse.
I sent him a text that told him I'd been holding on to the anger of my teenage self. I explained that I felt like he didn't support me in my decision to go to college (instead of joining everyone else in the family business), and that I was releasing that pain and resentment. I then apologized for the pain that I may have caused, and said that I fully accepted that my apology might not change anything between us.
The suppressed anger from this childhood wound had been living in my body for nearly 25 years. I had grown so accustomed to this buried anger and resentment that I couldn't even feel it anymore. To be honest, I didn't even think the text would really have an impact on me. It just felt like the right thing to do at the time.
After I hit send, I didn't really feel anything. Then, about 15 minutes later, I was sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't tell if they were my own tears or whether they might be his as he read my text. I decided at the moment that I didn't need to figure out who they belonged to; I just needed to let them flow. So I cried until the tears stopped coming.
Then I received his response. After I read his words, I immediately dismissed them. He said the things my teenage self wanted to hear. He was proud of me, and he did love me. I feel ashamed to admit that my response was that I didn't believe it. I assumed he was just saying those things and that he didn't really mean them.
That's when my inner awareness started jumping up and down to get my attention. I spotted my reaction and knew that this was the next phase of my inner work. I held myself with love and decided this time I was going to do something different. I had just received what I had always wanted, and I wanted to learn how to actually receive it.
I stared at the words and rode out the waves of tears as they came. As the words began to break the surface of the protective shell around my heart, I realized that I had not allowed myself to truly receive love and support. I surrounded myself with it, but I never let it in.
I knew I needed to get the energy that was starting to crack me open moving. So I went for a walk and set the intention to allow myself to receive his words. With each step I took, I repeated his text in my head. After about a block of walking and repeating the words, I doubled over in a ball of tears. I hugged myself and let the tears flow only briefly caring what anyone who saw me would think. When the wave passed, I would start walking and repeating the words again.
I don't know how far I walked. All I know is that I walked until the tears no longer came. I felt like I had actually received the love that my inner child had been begging for her entire life.
At this point, you might be thinking, wow, that's a lot. And you're right. That was a lot, and that's only the beginning.
Fast forward about a week and I found myself feeling completely lost in my business. My creative spark had disappeared, and my motivation felt non-existent. So once again, I did what I do best. I walked in nature, took naps, and laid on my couch watching the trees with the intention to process the experience I was having. When the answer finally dropped into my awareness, I realized my life was never going to be the same.
I have spent my entire life trying to prove myself. That was primarily driven by my decision to go to college instead of going into the family business. I felt like I had to prove that my decision was the right one by becoming uber successful. By making that choice, I also made the decision to become completely self-sufficient. I stopped asking my family for any support after my freshman year of college. I have paid for my own education and living every single day since then.
By texting my dad and releasing decades of repressed anger, I no longer had a fire in my belly. The proving fuel that had built my life and business up until this point was suddenly gone. I didn't know what to do in its absence. I felt empty and worthless. The driving force behind everything I had experienced in life was now gone.
With nothing to prove, the pressure to work disappeared. Things that I know I could do stopped happening because the need to prove myself by constantly doing something was gone. To be honest, I just felt lost.
I don't know who I am without the need to prove my worth. All I know is that there must be answer. I can't imagine that I came here to be nothing and I hope that Spirit will guide me where to go next. Until then, I guess I wait while I learn how to nurture and receive the love that I have denied myself for all these years.