The Void

At the beginning of October, I decided to let a number of things in my life burn to the ground. I stopped trying to grow the coaching business that was stressing me out. I decided to fully let go of the "coach" title that felt like wearing an itchy sweater that was two sizes too small. I released all worries, fears and scarcity (to the best of my human ability at least). I even let go of my daily spiritual practices and routines. I deconstructed my altars and started to sink into the uncomfortable embrace of darkness.

Against my ego's wishes, I stepped into the void.

I was shocked to discover that the void didn't actually feel like falling to my death. In fact, being in the void was more like being in the womb. When I visited in meditation, I noticed it felt like being suspended in warm jello. I felt supported, comfortable and at ease. As I sat in the darkness, I would watch in amazement as shooting stars would fly by me. Coming from seemingly nowhere and going to places unknown. In that moment, I knew those were sparks of creation. Thoughts in their most infantile forms. I also knew that by being in the void, I would be able to experience my own creative sparks when the time was right.

After three weeks of being in the void, I began to notice the vacuum I was creating in my life. I suddenly had an abundance of time and space but my energy seemed to be a little low. Then I began to notice that I was craving physical warmth. I'd drink a cup of coffee, then a cup of tea, and then oatmeal or soup. I felt like I was moving through the day from one warm up to the next. As I sat with these cravings, I began to notice that my Soul was whispering to me. I was in need of fire. My Soul was craving something to light me up and make me feel alive. Instead of filling the space with more hot food and drink, I turned to Spirit and asked for direction.

Spirit, Thank you for lighting the sacred fire within me. Thank you for igniting my passion and allowing your divine inspiration to flow through my life. I intend for this or something better for the highest good of all involved. And so it is.

The next morning I felt called to free write and within a few sentences the Lightworker Diaries were born. As the words landed on the page, I felt a rush of excitement that was unlike anything I have felt before. I instantly knew this was a thing. In fact, it was quite possibly THE thing. The thing I had been waiting for not only for these last few weeks but quite possibly for the last few years (and who knows, maybe I've been waiting my whole life).

The divine inspiration I received felt different than any other idea I have ever had. The Lightworker Diaries felt like a separate entity. I found myself communicating with the Diaries as if we were two energy beings entering into a sacred relationship together. Through those divine communications I began to realize that I was being invited to be a steward and initiate of this body of work. Knowing this was an answer to my prayer, I was an absolute yes for what was being asked of me.

At first, I received the Diaries as an invitation to interview other Lightworkers and share their stories. At first glance, my new divine assignment felt like the best present a girl could ever possibly receive. I was being given the opportunity to have meaningful conversations with magical people and then writing about it. Um, hello! All of my favorite things in one. Hell to the yes! Count me in!

Little did I know the Universe had much more in store for me than the initial morsel I had been fed. The next invitation from Spirit pushed my fear button in a really big way. Suddenly I realized I would no longer be hiding who I am, what I believe or how I experience this world.

Here are the words straight from my journal:

"Drop the LD readers into my story as it is right now. Allow them to walk the path alongside me. Woah! That feels dangerously scary. What will they say about me? What will they think about the things I think about?! Allowing them to peak behind the curtain feels like certain death. Allowing them to be fully present in my lived experience feels super vulnerable. Is that really what is being asked of me? To bear my Soul for all to see? I'm hearing Yes, but feel afraid to accept that is the answer. Can I allow others to truly see the depths of me in that way?"

Not quite ready to believe what I already knew to be true. I wrote to Spirit, "If this is what is being asked of me, show me a bear in the next 24 hours. Thank you."

I should've known that the first bear would appear within minutes of walking away from my journal. It was the nickname of a character in a movie that my partner was watching. Because I was basking in my own denial, I didn't recognize the name being repeated until later in the day. Spirit clearly didn't want me to miss my sign, so the next ones happened in rapid succession at a local grocery store just an hour later. First, I noticed a bear on the cover of a children's book. That was followed by a cute little yard sign with a bear on it. Then I turned a corner to find a 5 foot box full of oversized teddy bears. As I was taking in the abundance of bears and what that meant for me, my partner (who was not aware of my request to Spirit) turned around, put his hands up like bear paws and growled at me in the middle of the store! I literally burst out laughing. Thank you Spirit! I see you! Message received!

Spirit clearly has a plan and my own Lightworker stories and metaphysical musings are meant to be a foundational piece of the Diaries. I'm going to be honest and tell you that I don't have all of the details worked out. I don't know what else is going to evolve or flow through me as it relates to this body of work. I'm not even sure I fully know what this "body of work" is yet. What I do know is that I have passed through a portal of initiation and that I am committed to being a steward of this work. So if you are interested in joining me on this wild adventure into the mystical, magical and spiritual, please take a moment to subscribe and share this with anyone else who may need it.

P.S. Diary entries will come in divine timing. In other words, I am committing to being in communion with the work but I am giving myself the freedom to post when I feel inspired or instructed by the Universe.