Worthy but not quite good enough
I'm currently enrolled in Kathrin Zenkina's Manifestation Babe Academy. In the module that I did today, I was invited to rank myself on a scale of 1 - 10 for how worthy and good enough I felt in relation to the dreams and desires that I had listed out in a previous module.
At first, I allowed my mind to give me a number, and then I decided to tap into my body's wisdom. I used the body sway test (a form of muscle testing) to determine my rating for worthiness and whether I felt good enough.
My initial rating for feeling worthy of my desires was a 9.0. That wasn't a huge surprise for me as I have done a lot of work in the area of self-worth. The number that came as a shock was the rating for whether I felt good enough to call in and receive the things I desire. My body's wisdom initially ranked me at a 6.5, which is only a little above the halfway point between "insignificant and don't matter" and "completely enough just the way I am."
The workbook then guided me to ask my unconscious mind when I decided I wasn't good enough. I heard the number 7, which I connected to my age, and then I heard the word dancing. As I sat with curiosity, more information began to bubble up to the surface of my conscious awareness. I can't remember if I saw an image or just knew what had happened, but I suddenly realized what had planted the not good enough seed.
We had been put into a dancing formation, and I had been moved to the back row. I got the sense that it was the first time we were no longer dancing in a straight line. In my sweet little heart, I thought the front row was for the really good kids—the kids who knew their stuff. The back row was for the ones that were not as good. My thought was that they either needed to watch the front row to know what to do, or they needed to be hidden because they just kinda sucked.
I watched as that thought spiraled forward into every single dance and cheerleading formation I was ever in. As you would expect, I was always in the back. My current adult mind could see that, of course, I was in the back because I was the tallest kid in any group I was ever a part of. My younger self was just heartbroken because she wanted to be in the front with the good kids. She wanted to show everyone that she didn't need to follow anyone else. She knew the routines and could do it all herself.
The longer I sat with this information, the more I realized how I became aware that it was a height thing as I got a little older. Instead of relinquishing the not good enough feeling, I turned my resentment and frustration towards my body instead. It was because I was so tall that I couldn't be in the front row, and I hated my body for banishing me to the background. I realize as I write this that this is an even deeper layer of the diary entry I wrote earlier about hating my legs (click here if you missed it).
After writing down all of these epiphanies, I listened to the clearing meditation. I drifted into multiple timelines to release any sense of unworthiness or not being enough. I cleared stories from my younger years and also traveled back 13 lifetimes to clear something there as well.
When I finished the meditation, I felt lighter. I tested my rankings again using the body sway technique. Worthiness increased to 9.7, and being enough increased to 7.8. To me, that means there is still a little more work to be done here. I also know that this massive energy healing will take a little time to fully integrate.
One thing that I have learned from all the healing work that I've done is if you speed through it, you don't get a chance to notice the individual healing shifts. I'm actually finding great joy in doing healing like the one that I did today and then giving myself a couple of days to see what comes up in my life as a result. As always, I'll keep you posted.